Hello, Internet. My name is Steffi. I am going to talk to you with a bunch of words and tell you about my life. Won’t that be fun?
Well, too bad. Imma do it anyway.
We are going to be best buddies, Internet. You have no choice whatsoever in this. Stop fighting us. LOVE ME.
Anyway.
If we are, in fact, going to be engaging in best buddieship together, I should tell you a little bit about myself. Then you can be all, "Oh, Steffi and me? We tiiiiight, boi. We ELASTIC WAISTBAND ON A POTBELLY PIG tight. UNCOMFORTABLY CLOSE, is what that is. Ya hear? Home fry? Home skillet biscuit… waffles?" That is how I imagine that one interacts with other people. I know it is how I do, what with my being raised in an inspirational '80s movie about inner city youths who learn to believe.
20 fun facts about me
(in no particular order of importance or makesensefulness)
20. I rarely ever wear pants. That is not as sketchy as it sounds, I swear.
19. I collect novelty erasers but I never ever use them... that would just be weird. I mean, they're adorable. Why would you take this cute smiling piece of eraser and smash its face against a piece of paper until it is all dirty and sad? NO. JUST NO. I am a firm advocate of the rights of cute things that are shaped like sushi sometimes. Who doesn't love sushi? Communists. Communists do not like sushi. Damn those Communists.
18. I'm a singer, soprano one. It doesn’t come as such a surprise what with my freakishly high-pitched chipmonk-on-helium speaking voice. So, you know. I like music and all that. Sometimes I dance funny. Please refrain from judging me. I have a condition. It is called Beingaspazz and I have a sponsor. I... I am getting help.
17. Ducks are my favorite animal. They are just perfection. It is very important to enunciate the "u" in the word and not mumble at all so that people don't laugh at me a lot because I'm always talking about how I love them and don't like to eat them and stuff. Now you're laughing. I can feel it. This effing always happens.
16. I sort of sound like a chipmonk (see fun fact #18.) This is okay, though, because so does Kristin Chenoweth and she's done pretty well for herself in life. You know you've made it when you're on Glee. Multiple times.
14. I adore my crazy family and friends. Sometimes they even like me, too! Sort of! No, really! Haha! *weeps*
13. Daisies are my favorite flower. Aren't they cheerful? Meg Ryan thinks so (Sleepless in Seattle is a great movie.) They are the flower that looks like it would be the most fun to hang out with and stuff. Like, I would go bowling with a daisy. It would not judge me and my ideas about casting voodoo spells on my bowling ball to make me win. It would cheer, dammit. It would be my friend. I am wistfully looking off into the distance now. You can't tell, because I am currently words, but that is what is happening.
12. One day I want to be a writer and go into publishing and be obscenely rich and fabulous and be exactly, exactly like Ugly Betty but without the adult braces because blegh and I would get a pet Duck and name him Admiral Quakington and he would be able to talk for some reason and he’d also be my sassy sidekick (sidequack, more like it! HAHAHAHAHA I’M FUNNY, GUYS) and we’d go on zany misadventures and I’d have a Deloreon and I would kidnap Doc Brown until he made it timey wimey and then I would buy literally handfuls of puppies AND OH GOD I WANT ALL THIS RIGHT NOW. FUTURE TIME MACHINE-WIELDING, STEFFI, TAKE ME WITH YOUUUU.
11. Sometimes I want a puppy so badly that it makes me want to cry. I really do want handfuls of them. I want a bathtub full of puppies. I want to sell my bed and sleep in a giant pile of adorable puppies who all love me SO MUCH THEY CAN’T EVEN STAND IT. My life is depressing. And now I’ve gone and made my teddy bear jealous. He's not speaking to me. It's adorable and makes me sad inside. I’m a monster.
10. I'm gluten-intolerant. That basically means I can't eat anything with white flour, so no cookies, cupcakes, bread, bagels, etc. Lots of people get kind of stupid about what constitutes “gluten”. I get a lot of face-palm-inducing questions about it, actually. "No. Apples are fine. I can eat apples. They do not have gluten." It's only in the past seven months or so that I found out (gluten-intolerance can surface in the late teens) so it's been kind of hard, bbbbuuuuutttttt on the plus side it's been an excellent excuse to eat lots and lots of guiltless chocolate.
9. I love really inky pens. One of my very favorite things is when I get ink splotches all over my hands and they stain so I can't wash them off right away and then, every time I see them, I can squint at them and try to see what they look like. One time I had one that looked like an elephant. Once I got Elvis. That was pretty awesome. Usually it’ll just be a mutant butterfly. That’s adequate, I suppose. Now, an Elvis impersonator elephant… that’d be the holy frackin grail, man.
8. I'm kind of a nerd. Like, for realsies. It's not my fault; my parents indoctrinated me into their legacy at a young age. I was dressed as a red shirt (my parents were Trekkies) for my first Halloween. One can surely argue this as a case for child abuse on many different levels.
7. I drink an inordinate amount of tea. It is necessary for me to stick my pinkie out as I do so. Why? I’m fancy, bitch. That’s why.
6. I love making people happy. When a stranger smiles at me it basically makes my day. Consequently I go around smiling at literally every damn one and sometimes people think I’m creepy. I keep a tally of people who smile back, sometimes. If I get more than 5 a day I win at life.
5. I really like old-fashioned things. I kind of wear my hair like a flapper. Some mean-spirited people interpret it as a Jew-fro, however. But either way it’s retro, right? Retro is in. I’m still golden. I get a little insecure. Like, right after a haircut I wear lots of pink and bows so people don't think I'm a dude. And then some days it looks like old lady hair... OH GOD I LOOK LIKE A "GOLDEN GIRL", DON'T I? CURSE YOU, BETTY WHITE HAIR. CUUUURSE YOOOOU.
4. I am kind of a germaphobe. You'd better cover your mouth when you yawn... or we shall have words. Or more likely “me punching you in the face”s (germaphobes need to be more assertive to get respect in this day and age.)
3. I'm a movie/ TV junkie. Though it is more like an addiction… but yeah, seriously, it’s actually kind of a concern. “Tv… friend, mother, secret lover.” God bless you, Homer Simpson.
2. I don't eat cute animals. Cows and chicken are okay because they're ugly, but no veal or duck (CERTAINLY NOT DUCK!!) or rabbit. Usually no lamb, either. Sometimes pig (though my Rabbi wouldst protest.) If internet websites devoted to cute pictures of animals doing hijinx has accomplished anything, it has been converting people into cutetarians.
1. I love making lists. Obvs.
MmkIloveyoubye,
Steffi
